From the moment May 1st popped up on my phone, I’ve had a pit in my stomach. The start of May began the countdown to the 1st anniversary of my grandmother’s passing and to be honest… I just didn’t wanna go there.
Death and grief are a frustrating thing… what’s even worse about it is that no one grieves the same. Maybe you’re a crier, maybe you like to talk about it, maybe you’re the “we’ll meet them again someday so lets not be too sad” type or maybe you’re the suffer in silence person. Whatever you are, it sucks and it’s sad, and you sort of feel alone – mostly because you don’t want to upset everyone else if they’re the “suffer in silence type” by bringing it up.
Here I have been this month, suffering in silence and trying to keep my mouth shut about it when the leader of our Bible study, Frank, really slashed open that wound a few weeks ago. We were studying Lazarus and discussing different types of responses to death, illustrated by Lazarus’ sisters. Frank pointed out that one response was to say that “death is okay, they’re in heaven and we will see them again someday” while the other response was real, gut-wrenching sadness and sorrow for our loss here on earth. Frank proceeded to say that neither response was wrong and that it’s 100% okay to believe in heaven, but still be sad that you’ve lost a dear friend/relative here in this life. The words were barely out of his mouth before I openly sobbed in front of the entire group. I guess I just needed permission to be allowed to be sad this month.
Sadness aside, I’ve been thinking all year about my Grandma, her legacy and how I can honor that. She had so, so many friends. I received so many private messages after my memorial post last year with stories about her and her kind heart. People wrote to me about the casseroles she’d bring them in time of need, clothes she donated, about how she would always say hi to them in public, how friendly and kind she was. So many people knew her and had wonderful, beautiful things to say. It made me wonder about my own life and what legacy I’m leaving behind.
So I set out in 2018 to meet people and become involved in my community. I’ve only been at it a few months but it’s already so fulfilling. I’ve been blessed with so much joy and laughter during my tours with the kids at Havilah House. The kids are hilarious, fun and so innocent in their questions. I did it to honor my grandmother and her community involvement.
I’m glad to be able to honor her memory, but I’m sad today. Really, really sad. I miss my Grandma so much. I’m so grateful for Frank who helped me see it’s okay to be sad sometimes. And it’s okay to talk about it. It feels refreshing somehow to admit, I’m sad. I’ll leave try to you with a funny story because I think it’s also okay to laugh today.
My Grandma, she loved nuts. I know, it sounds ridiculous a thing to say when typing a beautiful 1 year anniversary memorial about your grandmother. She loved nuts. Like, pecans, peanuts, walnuts, etc. If it was a baked good and didn’t have nuts, she’d probably dismiss it. Or maybe add some. I brought her a Rise ‘n’ Roll apple fritter a few years ago and she said “It doesn’t have any nuts, Stacey!” I was slightly miffed that she was so particular! Ha. I remember frowning at her and saying, “Well, GEEZ, add some then!” We laughed about it and she proceeded to add her own pecans to the fritter so she could actually enjoy it. I made her a caramel apple once, again – no nuts. (What can I say, I’m a slow learner!) and she added some peanuts before she would eat it. And once at a restaurant up town she wanted a cookie but they didn’t have nuts so she told the waitress that they should start putting nuts in their cookies so they could sell more. At this point, I was starting to think she WAS nuts. No just kidding. But she at least needed to start carrying them around in her purse if she was so passionate about them. I eventually did catch on though. I baked her a birthday cake for her first birthday in heaven last year, took it to the grave site and ate a piece “with her.” Of course, I brought a handful of nuts.
I love you so much grandma. Thanks for the legacy of giving and community involvement you left behind. And thanks for making me laugh with your “nutty” antics. Missing you today and always!
Love,
Stacey
I know this was hard to write because you miss her so much, but I hope it helps the healing. We miss our loved ones that have passed every day and the best thing we can do is remember them and hear their words of encouragement in times of grief. Millie was very special.